Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
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doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
When you kidnap a writer.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
rapatouille
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.