9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
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When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Noah
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys