Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
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Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.