Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
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2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
My brain is a bad influence on me
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄