11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
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Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Things will get butter, keep churning
I got soap in my shower beer again.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving