Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
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So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Sign at work today
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
I gave up going to work for lent.