Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
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Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.