“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
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Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.