ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
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when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.