Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
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If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…