Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
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The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it