[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
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It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
2022: I can fix it
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Beauty and the Beast
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.