To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
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*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
This is a whole mood;
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy