There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
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New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”