if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
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A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
dogs can find happiness so easily
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
emergency phone
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
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5.awesome