Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
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*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
If a snake ate a cake
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout