Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
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[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”