Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
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My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards