I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
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This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.