Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
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With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”