I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
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I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?