Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
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*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.