I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
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I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]