Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
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My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
jesus christ confetti not now
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.