English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
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With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house