Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
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I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
sry
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend