People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
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*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Me too 😆
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.