When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
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Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
I bet
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.