Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
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i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.