At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
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I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Krampus.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.