I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
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I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
According to math, I’m broke
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”