“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
You Might Also Like
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
when there are deer in the woods
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life