If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
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*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?