Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
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[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.