The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
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heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.