Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
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Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
#oldknees
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
If I ignore life will it go away?
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Well, this certainly took a turn