DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
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I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
I cannot call her anything else now
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.