I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
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@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!