I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
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hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
where do you see yourself in five years?
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN