October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
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I hate what you’ve done with the place.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
How to make infinite energy.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Stop sending me this shit.