When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
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You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea