“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
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yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
sounds kinky. i’m in.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!