If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
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So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.