Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
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Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline