I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
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GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system