[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
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I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want