College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
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INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
There are no pants in heaven.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Why is everyone getting married at me