*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
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My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh