women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
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{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance