I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
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It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
#growingpains
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.